Being an Asian American woman speaking about Diversity & Inclusion is exhausting.
In the midst of the Black Lives Matter movement, I can’t help but wrestle with 2 main things:
1) knowing that this is the time and space for Black voices to tell their stories
2) angrily wanting to shout that all these corporate statements about investments in Diversity & Inclusion programs are not good enough.
So here is the latter in a short story format where I describe how D&I conversations have felt as a woman of color. I hope this article provides insight and prompts discussions about what it means to approach these conversations.
I have been in the minority at multiple organizations. To be specific, I have been the only woman of color for entire departments. In those places, I have always felt small and outnumbered — always feeling this pressure to fit in and “prove” that I belonged there.
Because of my identity, I was usually one of the first to initiate conversations about D&I or have been volun-told to be on D&I steering committees. Though, on paper, these sound like valiant efforts and like I was a part of the agenda to diversify the workplace, in real life, it was exhausting, tormenting, and traumatic.
Here is an example of how a conversation with a manager once went when I initiated a conversation about D&I.
Me: I’d like to talk more about diversity & inclusion. I am involved in the hiring process and would like to know what we can do about it.
Manager: Oh, I am not part of the hiring process.
Me: Oh, I assumed I could ask about this since we’re both interviewing candidates.
Manager: By the time candidates get to me, I’m so downstream that the pool is no longer that diverse. It’s out of my hands.
Me: Okay..
Manager: It’s really HR’s fault. They need to improve their recruiting practices. You should talk to [Person] in HR.
My manager managed to blame another department, owned zero accountability, and placed the responsibility on me to follow-up. A part of me was chipped away because the bravery it took to even bring up D&I to a White man equated to nothing. But I persevered and kept an open-mind — I needed myself to try.
Here is how my conversation with HR/People Ops went.
Me: I’d like to talk about what we are doing as a company to address diversity & inclusion. I’m very interested in this since I am the only woman of color in my department.
HR/People Ops: Oh, well, we are starting our initiative. But it seems like you have the traditional definition of “diversity.” Our definition of diversity is really the diversity of thought, and all kinds of people … even LGBTQ!
I am gaslighted and told that my definition of diversity is wrong. I feel unseen, unrecognized, and immediately regret even following-up. I don’t feel like I belong. “What was even the point?” But I put on a smile, I tell no one, and I get back to work.
Here is my next 1-on-1 with my manager.
Me: So I talked to [Person] about Diversity & Inclusion.
Manager: How’d it go? [Person] is such a great resource!
Me: *internally screaming, feeling tired from tip-toeing, feeling exhausted by having to build up the courage each time, obviously noticing my White manager’s discomfort, fearing that being outspoken will jeopardize any progress in my career trajectory, regretting this second attempt at talking about this ~sensitive issue, realizing I must do damage control*
Me: IT WAS GREAT. THANK YOU FOR SETTING THAT UP. SHE REALLY HELPED ME SEE THAT WE CARE ABOUT “ALL KINDS” OF DIVERSITY.
Me: *smiles. Moves onto other topics*
I never mentioned the topic again. I feared that bringing up an issue that no one recognizes or owns will only set me back further. I didn’t feel psychologically safe to express myself fully. Worse, I suffered an ongoing feeling that I didn’t belong and was exhausted with the burden of being the only voice for diversity everyday.
Obviously that wasn’t sustainable.
In those 3 conversations, the people involved probably had good intentions and meant well. However, I need to emphasize that the impact it had on me outweighs those intentions.
I still carry those voices of gas lighting, the need to please, and the literal fear of speaking up within me. That is the extra weight I carry.
So the next time companies spin up D&I initiatives, ask yourselves, “Who is doing the advocacy work?” “Who is staying accountable?” “How are you talking about it?” And please God, “What action steps are you actually taking beyond just conversations?”
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Note: I acknowledge that though I identify as a woman of color, my experience is specific to being an Asian American woman, where there is often a stereotype of being quiet and submissive. I am privileged and know that my experiences do not speak on behalf of experiences of Black and Brown womxn. This is where I hope to listen and learn from their stories.
